I spent the day doing a buttload of housework so that when my son and I head out for the weekend tomorrow I won't have to worry about coming home to a dirty house on Sunday. I'm dreading the traffic tomorrow but I think if we wait to leave until Friday things will be even more hellish.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. We'll be hanging with the Dogz and I'm hoping I'll have enough courage to actually dance. I'm such a chicken! Sometimes I'm amazed at how little confidence I have, but I've always been this way. Hopefully my son will dance with me and help ease me back into things.

Yesterday I took my cousin, his daughter, my nephew and my son to Six Flags. It was a blast! My nephew is only 3 so we spent a fair amount of time near the kiddie rides. We did go on one of the big water rides and it was so much fun we ran and got in line again. I was surprised the little guy wasn't afraid of falling in the raging rapids or waterfalls. He's a cool little dude! My son, on the other hand is a chicken butt! He didn't want to go on any of the bigger roller coasters but was nice enough to watch the 3 year old so the rest of us could. I guess that worked out well but it would be nice if he wanted to go on some of the rides I wanted to so that we could have fun together.

We never made it to the water park section but it was fun none-the-less. One the way home we stopped at Denny's to eat and I found out my cousin's daughter is super picky! She didn't like anything on the menu and ended up just getting some 'loaded' cheesy fries, then made scrunchy faces because the clam chowder I ordered smelled fishy to her. She's a cutie but I wouldn't want to be in charge of cooking for her. :-)

Toe called me earlier today saying he just got the message I left him on Sunday. Um, yeah. I know he was moving and settling in but four days?? Please. I don't know what to do about him and this friendship. I love him dearly and want to help him out, I enjoy working with him, but I hate the lack of appreciation. He's so stupid sometimes. He tries to do so much on his own that he tends to fail miserably at organizing most anything, but when I step in and help him out he's still so busy doing other things that its like he doesn't have the time to appreciate my help. And that gets old really fast. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I'd crumble if I lost his friendship, and other times I could just walk away and not think twice. Right now, I'm about ready to say fuck it, except that I adore his family and would hate to lose their friendship and, in some sick twisted way, I have great compassion and love for Toe and want the best for him.

I'm such a bleeding heart. Why do I become everyone's doormat?

I wish I knew how to get things back on track between us. I told him that I missed our relationship from last year when we laughed alot and were always telling each other secrets and being silly. I know what changed it, and what has brought us to this point, but I don't know if things can revert back.

I just talked to Toe again about a half hour ago and he said he wished I was working with them this weekend. Of course he does! I make them lots of money when I work because I know how to sell their CDs. Unfortunately for him sometimes I just gotta do my own thing.

I emailed Johnny the other day telling him I was really glad to see him again and that I hoped he would keep in touch. I even wrote a bunch of stuff in espa�ol and told him he could write me in spanish if it was easier... but he hasn't responded. I did tell him that the next time I will be up there will be the third weekend in July and maybe we could hang out. I'm hoping to hear from him, hoping that we can reestablish some kind of relationship, but who knows. There have been two relationships in my life that I regret throwing away. He was one of them. I should be happy that he even talks to me, that he hugged and kissed me when we saw each other, you would think that would heal me inside, but it doesn't. And why should I be healed anyway? It was my own dumbass fault and I am the one who caused all the pain. If he has healed and gotten past everything, who am I to interject myself into his life again?

And sometimes I think I'd like to have him as a lover because he was great, plus I'm lonely and not interested in searching for a man, but I don't want to screw with his life. I would be afraid he would fall in love and then the whole scenario would play itself out again. I can't be in love, or rather, I don't feel I am in the position to change my life in order to accommodate having another person in it.

Still, I hope to hear back from him. If I don't hear from him in the next month or so I may write him once more. If there is no response after that I will not bother him again.

When I told Toe that I'd went to see Johnny he said "Ohhhhh booooooy." Hahahahaha. Even he knows I could make a mess of things. Then again, he was there all those years ago when Johnny and I were together so he knows what happened.

I am such a total fuck up when it comes to relationships it isn't even funny... but what else can I do but laugh at my pathetic failures?

I suppose I should head to bed. Its almost 1:30am and I need to get up at a decent time to pack for the weekend. I need to make a list of things to bring so I don't forget anything. Like underwear!

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