The layoffs, which seemed to be over, have continued. A slow trickling of sad people leaving at odd times during the day. I have a burning in my stomach all the time that even my prescription meds don't ease so I've added Pepto to the mix. This is terrible. And again, I know a few people that are going to be let go soon and I can't say anything to them. I don't know when they are being laid off, but I know they are going. This place is miserable. People are now being heaped with workloads they can't handle, myself included, and the snarky attitudes are everywhere because people are so over stressed. I try not to be snarky, but it happens from time to time because I've been thrown into a job that I don't know and I have little support or training.

*sigh*

It doesn't help that I can't sleep at night either. Between work and the confusion in my head about my friend in Florida my brain never stops thinking. If I happen to get woken up in the middle of the night my mind immediately starts working through the "what ifs" of my future. Will I have a job? How am I going to pay off my car and move my mother home? Is it possible that all these years I have waited for my first love to come back into my life? Things are so muddled in my head I can't make sense of anything.

The friend in Florida, I replied to his letter, and since then have written him probably 4-5 more letters which I have thrown out. I need to pull back and not give the wrong impression, especially since I don't know myself what I'm thinking. I guess I never thought I would actually find him again, even though I had looked for so long and with such determination. And then, not only to find him, but to have him say he'd give up everything to be by my side again. I am overwhelmed. Do I think he would actually give up his life and be with me? Without a doubt! That is what is so scary. In my letter (the one I actually sent) I responded to his offer by telling him I didn't know what "our" future held, but that I knew I needed his friendship and that I wanted him in my life and to get to know him for who he is now. I even went so far as to explain my quirky relationship thing and how I don't handle committment well to let him know that things rekindling between us may not be a good idea. Still, as the days go by, I envision more and more how I could have him in my life. I need to find out the details of what the original incident was that ended with my friend in jail because that makes a difference.

And you know what freaks me out most about the friend in Florida? The signs. The signs have told me it is okay. The signs that I use to guide me in life have told me it is okay for me to let him into my life. I'm so apprehensive and yet the signs have never led me in the wrong direction.

This is going to sound so Jerry Springer-ish, like I should be typing this from my unkempt trailer while my 7 filthy, illigitimate kids and 30 cats crowd around me, but my friend has just been sentenced to jail time and will not be out for another 16 months, unless they count time served and then its 13 months, so I have time to get things straight in my head. Hahahaha. Wow. Jerry Springer... here I come!!!

I want to talk to Roberto about this, but I'm afraid of what he will think. I know he'll tell me I'm crazy for even entertaining the idea but I really need to talk to someone about it and he's the only one I can tell these things to. I've even been thinking of travelling with the group to Florida next month when they go and stopping for a visit to see my friend. I could get a round trip ticket for about $200 and stay with the family at their hotel. I'm insane. I know this.

Time. I need time.

And sleep.

My son is home sick today. He says his throat hurts and he can't breathe. I looked in his throat and there was a red spot in there. Ew! It might be strep so I'll check again this evening to see what's going on in there. He was supposed to travel and sing this weekend but that may be nixed. I have to call his dad and let him know. I already warned my son that if he stays home this weekend that he will NOT be playing XboX constantly. He will be in bed or lying down relaxing. I will be cleaning, working on projects and NOT listening to Xbox in the background!

Now that the warmer months are coming to an end and there are less festivals and such, there won't be many pictures to post. I could overload you with pictures of cute little hamsters... but I won't. :-)

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