I just talked with Roberto for about an hour regarding my friend in Florida. As I expected, he told me I was crazy. He expressed concern and told me to not be so quick to make decisions. I told him I'm not making any decisions right now and that I think the reason I am so confused about everything is because after 20 years of searching for this guy I find him and he's willing to give up everything and be with me... it's overwhelming. It wasn't what I expected.

Roberto said he thinks it's because I want someone to be with that I am willing to entertain the idea of getting involved with this guy. That made me cry. It's true. I'm tired of being alone, but I hate the whole process of trying to meet someone. I don't give guys a chance and on the rare occasions I do, I am quick to dump them when the do the slightest thing wrong. Roberto said I need to stop hooking up with married men or just having friends with benefits. He's right but I'm too afraid to open myself up to pain or disappointment. I have no faith in relationships. I want someone to share my life with but I am so scared that I keep everyone at a distance. So, why would I let my friend in Florida in? Because I knew him before I was damaged by unhealthy relationships? Because I know he would never leave me and that he would do anything for me? I'm thankful for the time I have to think things over, because, as I said to Roberto, if my friend was able to come up here now I would let him. I would open the doors for him and let him in... and that might not be the best thing for me to do.

I don't know at what point in my life relationships became so grotesquely distorted for me. I think it was the fact that most of my relationships were not out of love but necessity (usually needing a place to live) and so now I don't really know how to love, only how to need and to survive. I think I learned that from my mother who stayed with men more out of necessity than love, my mother who let a man hit me, refused to believe another had molested me... all because she needed something. Maybe like me she just needed a place to live. I suppose I judge her for that, but I don't hold it against her.

I thanked Roberto for talking to me and giving me his opinion and support. Although I still want to strangle him sometimes I love him dearly. I think more and more now that he's stopped taking my friendship for granted he's starting to really understand me.

So, my confusion continues. My sleepless nights continue.

And I have heartburn. Still.

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