So, I've been thinking to myself... who am I trying to kid? Why am I prolonging the inevitable?? The fact is, I have been searching for Martin for over 20 years, and for what? To not give a chance to something I have been keeping hope for all this time? Circumstances are not the best, and I always knew that if I did find him he would be in some kind of less-than-sterling situation, but I have done some serious thinking these past few (many) weeks.

If he wants to move north and be close to me that is his decision and I will be here for him. I cannot support him financially and I cannot give him a place to live, those will be his burdens to bear, but I will open my life to him in as much as I can.

Yes. I hear all your jaws hitting the floor and the smacking of your hands against your foreheads. Allow me to give you an ice pack for that bruise surfacing on your chin. I'm sorry if I've disappointed you but I feel if there is a chance for happiness, this could be it. If I'm a fool, then let me be a happy fool for a while and then I'll return to my plain ol' miserable self later.

I had originally written Martin a few weeks ago that we should just stick with being friends and he accepted it although he said he was somewhat depressed about it although he could understand my position. He said he would love if we could be more and that he would always have feelings for me, but that he wouldn't push the issue. He has not been pushing the issue since either.

Still, somewhere in the past two weeks I've thought that, if we could start out slow, not jump into things with blindfolds on, maybe we could have something again. I am still IN LOVE with the boy I knew 20+ years ago, likewise he is still in love with the girl from then, if we get to know the other as we are now maybe things could work. So, I wrote it all down for him, but mostly my big 3 concerns. I explained my current living situation and my expected future living conditions. He wouldn't be able to live with me for a while (if things progressed to that point) and with my job being as unstable as it is I wouldn't be able to help him get set up financially. I could help him find a place, but he'd have to take care of the rest. Secondly, I discussed about my depression and told him that I'm not always in the best of moods and he'd have to deal with me being a bitch or a recluse sometimes. Then, in the most delicate of ways, I told him that if we really got seriously involved, in my mind and in my heart, it would be forever, and that if he ever fucked me over I would have the strength, pain and anger to destroy him.

Lastly I came right out and told him that I had not been faithful in any relationship starting with my son's father. The reason for this infidelity has always been lack of satisfaction in the bedroom. With my son's dad I tried for years to get things to work out, but it just wasn't happening. And since him, it seems I've only been with men who were interested in themselves and what a waste of time that has been! One or two were fun, but when there is no real love involved it doesn't last. So, I let Martin know that if he wanted to be an intimate part of my life there was not going to be any one-sidedness or else things would not last.

He has already acknowledged that I have my son and that he knows my son will always be a priority. True, my son will always come first. Unlike my own mother who put her relationships before my wellbeing, I will not do that to my son. I have not done it up to this point and I won't do it if Martin should come up here. Things may change some in our lives, and I may be allowing more things in my life that would make me happy, but my son will always be my first concern.

The decision is now his to make. If Martin feels he can move up here and live on his own, we can start our relationship that way. But it has to be slowly. I have my own responsibilities to handle and my own burdens to carry. I cannot bear his weight as well.

I dropped the 12 page letter in the blue, metal box on Monday and he should get it today. Honestly, I am hopeful that he will want to move up here. I would like to have a man around that I could depend on instead of borrowing my Ex or Toe for things. It would be nice to have a man I could call on just to tell my boring day-to-day details or maybe hang my head when things are bad. It would be nice to have a man that I could be close with, intimate with, and not have to keep playing these games. We'll just have to see how things play out.

What happened last Friday at work? They laid off another 10% of our company. Those of us that are left no longer have any paid holidays. We have no vision or life insurance. We have to pay 50% for our health insurance (it used to be 20%), so now instead of $45 a week they will take around $110 out of my paycheck. They are no longer doing any 401k matching. And there will be no raises (duh!!). But, as the CEO stated, at least we still have our jobs. I do agree with him on that.

After the meeting I talked to the head of Human Resources and told her that when I called the health insurance company that morning I was told we'd been terminated since 10/31 and she said that was a mistake. She turned to the other HR woman and repeated what I told her and that woman threw her hands up in the air and ranted about how the insurance company hasn't fixed things yet. Do we really have health insurance or are these motions just trickery to distract us while they continue sucking money out of our paychecks?? I'm worried.

I talked with one of the guys at work and he said that he wanted to find another job. But, I explained, every company is dealing with the bad economy and lots of them are doing the same things. He might well find another job but they'd hire him at the cheapest rate they could, offer him minimal benefits and he'd be the first to go if there were layoffs since he'd have no seniority. As I told him, I plan to just ride things out and see what happens. If the bottom drops out then I'll do what I've got to do, but until then I'm just riding the wave. The wave that just happens to be a big, black, swirling tide pool sucking everyone down the the abyss!! (Was that dramatic enough????)

Speaking of work, I've also been asked to help out the finance department again. It seems they are unable to open their own mail. Yep, you heard me, fancy degrees and years of schooling and they can't open a fucking envelope!!

And my last work-related mention... I am going to see if Walmart needs help for the holidays. I will go back to there to work for the next 6 weeks or so if they are hiring. This will help with paying off the car and getting money set aside to help move my mom up here.

The Mom front:

I asked Mom if she would be interested in moving up here in January/February and moving into the spare bedroom. With my job being as iffy as it is I can't risk getting into my own place which will cost around $1,300 a month with utilities and such and then losing my job. I won't be able to make those kind of payments. The only realistic thing to do right now is have her move in with me and my son at Gina's place until things are financially more stable. I would like to move her up here before spring because I need to move her while I still have a job and some cash coming in - and I don't know if I'll still have a job come April or May. I talked to Gina to see if she would be interested in having my mom move into that room and get an additional $200 toward rent... she said it sounded good and that she'd seriously consider it. I asked her to think about it and let me know for sure soon.

All this is stressful. Amazingly, the heartburn has stopped. I still have an appointment with my surgeon so that he can check to see if there are any problems with my stomach, but things are good for now.

So, how's that chin doing? Need an aspirin??

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