I love that it's busy because then the day flies by, but I hate that it leaves me so little time to write entries! I hardly have time to sneak out to the internet during the day to read my fave journals. For some reason I don't write at home but I should because after I go home and dinner has been prepared and then devoured... I do mostly nothing for the rest of the evening. Last night I was helping my son with a school report but that was the excitement for the evening.

I did talk to Toe last night. He was on his way back from Canada. Well, not exactly Canada because he left his green card home and consequently couldn't go through customs. What a dork!!! He wants me to work for him the second and third weekends in December which is fine because I haven't heard back from the Evil Empire (aka Walmart). I think I procrastinated just long enough that they aren't looking to hire now and I can simply use the excuse that, even though I applied, they didn't call me in to work. Hey, I tried! Right?!?

Toe and I haven't been talking as much as we used to. He's been traveling alot but before we talked all the time regardless of where he was or what he was doing. He would even call me from airports when he had layovers and stuff. But now I only hear from him every couple days. Yes, I could call him, and I do sometimes, but I'm always afraid I'm interrupting something. One time I called his cell and he was in the middle of a show.. it wouldn't have been so bad but he had forgotten to shut the damn phone off and it rang while they were performing!! Anyway, we are still getting along okay but I'm preparing myself for those weekends in December when he asks about Martin. He will give me such a talking to!! Sometimes I feel like a child when he starts in on me, but I know it is because he cares and 99% of the time I appreciate his concern. I appreciate it this time too although I know I'm going against what he feels I should do.

The story of Martin.

I met him when he was 16, I was 14. We started dating in my Freshman year of high school and stayed together through my Sophmore year. At first my mother was okay with it but then she decided he wasn't right for me. She moved so that I would no longer go to the same school, but unfortunately for her, it was too late and I'd already fallen head over heels for the guy!

While still at the same school his best friend, Christopher, became my best friend as well. As years went on I took to calling him my brother because that is how close I felt to him. Martin and I freaking worshipped Chris!! He was the coolest! He could sing, dance, compose, draw, write, anything. Martin always kept up with him but he wasn't one for the limelight so much. I didn't try to keep up at all. I was content just being there with the two of them. I loved watching them dance (break dancing - it *was* the 80s!!!), they were so damn good! I used to drag them roller skating with me because I wanted to do girlie stuff but once there people would ask them to dance. They always said they hated it, but they didn't. They loved the attention! Probably my favorite thing to do was walk with them along the railroad tracks while Christopher sang. Just the three of us, the sunshine and the songs. Those days were perfect.

In my Sophmore year at my new school I met CK. She was da' bomb!! A beautiful Samoan girl who was just as whacky as myself. We bonded instantly and became best friends. The day she saw Christopher it was love at first sight. I tried to dissuade her from him (I knew he could be a whoredog!) but she was determined. Eventually the two of them started going out and the four of us became inseparable.

I loved those three people so much! And the love was mutual. We would do anything for one another. It was the best feeling in the world. Chris would write love songs for CK and test them out on me... and I get all squeally because it was so damn sweet and I was a 15 year old girl full of giddiness. I was so happy for the two of them.

Martin wasn't a great singer, but he wrote me a song and sang it to me anyway. I loved it. I loved everything about him. He was strong but gentle as a lamb. He was funny and energetic. He was so eager to please me and make me happy he would do anything I asked of him. He was perfect in my eyes and I loved being with him. We did eventually have a sexual relationship but it wasn't the basis of our relationship.

What was once okay with my mother, and had then become unwanted, was now totally unacceptable. In an attempt to permanently split us up my mother moved me from Florida to New England (no, she didn't move, she just shipped me up here!) but Martin and I still kept in touch. Somewhere near the end of my Junior year our letters became fewer and further apart. Eventually we just stopped writing and I did start seeing other people. I always thought about Martin but I had moved again and he had moved too so we had no way to contact each other.

When Ck graduated from high school I flew back down to Florida for the ceremony. Even though we still wrote almost daily I hadn't told her I was coming so it was a total surprise. It was awesome!! I was only there for a few days but the whole time I spent with CK and Chris. There was one night when CK and I were going out dancing and when we stopped to pick up Chris they had a surprise for me... MARTIN WAS THERE!!! I hadn't seen him in a whole year! We all went out dancing and had a blast!!! Unfortunately I had to fly back home the next day so Martin and I didn't get to spend much time together.

Back in New England life went on and I was still keeping in touch with CK and Chris although they had broken up. CK was married and had a baby on the way. Chris was doing some modeling but mostly spent his time clubbing. Martin had moved to Ohio and I'd lost touch with him. Miraculously he found me again about two years later and we wrote and kept in touch for a few months but then I had to move again quickly and we lost contact. In case you couldn't tell, I moved A LOT and often didn't have any kind of permanent address.

That was the last I had heard from him.

Chris and I were still writing and talking, I visited Florida again when I was 21 and we spent the summer clubbing. It was the best! I had no work, but I still had money so I could party all night and not have to get up early. Woot!! My mother wasn't really happy about me hanging out with Chris, but she despised him less than Martin and she couldn't really say much since I was an adult. Night after night we partied and one night when we went back to his place he suggested taking our friendship to the next level, saying that having sex would make us even closer. Ouch! I was hurt. I knew he loved me, but I thought he had more respect for me than that! I thought he had more respect for Martin. How could he sleep with his best friend's girl?? I know he was drunk, and I will admit I was a hottie, but I couldn't excuse it. I declined. It was that one night that broke our friendship beyond repair. We wrote a few more times but we both knew the damage was done. By the time I was 22 we'd were no longer in contact.

CK and I have remained in contact one way or another. She is still married to her husband and they now have four children. The oldest just graduated high school! I'm so proud of her and her family!!

Two months ago I was searching again for Martin on the web and lo and behold, there he was! I had almost given up considering it had been 20 years. 20 YEARS!!! Unfortunately he was listed as a sex offender and was in jail. I was broken hearted. How could my Martin, who was so gentle and caring, end up in that situation? While it unnerved me a little I still had to write and find out how he was. My first letter was returned to me because I had put a stamped envelope in it so he could write me back - and, in case you didn't know, stamped envelopes are obviously evil and cannot be given to incarcerated persons! They did let him know I had written and they gave him my address. On the day his letter was returned to me I also got a letter he'd written to me. My heart soared!!!

His letter was overwhelming! He told me that he was still in love with me and couldn't believe I'd found him again after all these years. He said he always thought I would return but he'd given up hope when so many years had passed and he hadn't heard from me. He offered to give up everything and move up here to be with me! The intensity of his response was unexpected. My life spun out of control with 6 pages of pencil on paper!! I do love the guy. I can't honestly say that I am "in love" with him, because I only know the person he was all those years ago but I am still in love with the idea of who that boy was.

In his first letter he also told me that Christopher had died. It felt like someone had grabbed my heart with both hands and wrung it. The only thing I can say is that I'm glad I found out after the fact and not when it had happened. I felt it in my heart that he was gone, but until Martin told me I had held out hope.

Since our first letters Martin has been moved from county jail to state prison. The reason he is in prison is because he has not been reporting in and verifying his residence as he is supposed to, it is not because he has been committing further offenses. He's in jail for the 3rd time for being stupid! I told him he has to check in whether he likes it or not!!

Unbeknownst to him I have contacted the police from where his original crime was committed to find out what exactly happened. The detective I spoke with gave me what appeared to be conflicting information. First he told me the charges had been dropped, but then he said they were picked back up. I didn't know what that meant. The name of the charge given has varying degrees too. On one end of the spectrum he could have pinched someone's ass and on the other he could have coerced someone into having sex with him. There is no violence in the charges at all so it isn't like he physically hurt someone and upon looking into his files more I found it was a 3rd degree charge (a lesser charge), meaning it wasn't like he raped someone. I know, either way something happened and it wasn't good, I'm just glad it isn't as bad as I had originally thought.

I have not asked Martin about the charges, and what he has volunteered matches what the detective told me. He said the charges were dropped but that a year later he was "tricked" into picking them back up. I don't know about tricked, but I'm sure they got him to agree to something and the charge was put back on his record. I have said in previous entries, I always knew that if/when I found him again he'd be in some kind of trouble... he's the gullible type. Anyway, when I am able to talk to him face to face I will ask him about the charges. I need to look him in the eyes and see the truth there.

I have told Martin that if he wants to move up near me we can try having a relationship but he needs to move slowly with me. I told him all the crap in my life so he knows what to expect if he does move here. Now I'm just waiting to hear back from Martin about what he wants to do. Does he want to move up here and be near me even with all my crap? Does he think it is best to stay in Florida for a while and maybe come up later? Or maybe we'll just stay friends? I would love him to come here and I'm anxious about his reply. I know the things I will lose if he comes here, and I know the hardships that will lie ahead of us... but I'm willing to navigate those obstacles.

When I found Martin I immediately wrote CK to tell her, but I haven't given her any of the details about where he is or told her more about our correspondence. She was happy to hear that I had found him again though. She and Martin weren't as close as Chris and I so things won't impact her like they do me. When I hear back from him about his decision I will write or call CK and tell her all the details. I have not told her that Chris is dead. I don't think I can.

So, that is the story of Martin. The story of "The Square", as we liked to call our four points of frienship. You've joined in the middle of the story and will just have to keep reading to find out how it all ends.

While I enjoy Thanksgiving with my family, I always remember those who are gone.

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