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| Brain smoothie and the return of Butt Diver | 2008-08-04 |
| 3:15 p.m. |
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| Thirty-something. Mother. Single by choice. Native American/white. Short. Slender-to-average build. Very long, reddish-brown hair. Green eyes. Responsible. Comical. Sympathetic. Honest. Singer. Two cats. One tattoo, more needed. Employed full time, but also cheating with a second job. Prone to moments of extreme stupidity. Scared of spiders, heights and commitment. Addicted to foreign films, thai food, teas and crunchy salty snacky things. |
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I
NEED FEATHERS!!
If you happen to come across some Bluejay, Cardinal or other colorful bird feathers please send me an email as I need them desperately! If you happen to be in South Americn I'd love to get some Condor feathers if possible (I don't know how hard they are to come by). You will have my undying gratitude and all feathers will be used in a respectful way. Hey.. I'ts an Indian thing! :-) |
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I'm feeling so screwed up today. My head is a mess and I just don't want to be playing head games with anyone. Sometimes its like a someone put my brain in a blender on pulse and then poured it back into my skull, its pureed but still has some chunks of reality floating around. Why can't people not fuck with me? People have no idea how sick I get and sometimes I just want to go away and not be bothered with anyone at all. Let me put it this way... I love the life I see around me, all the beautiful things and the wonderful people, but I loathe myself. LOATHE! I hate myself so much that I physically want to destroy myself. On the outside I am happy and laughing and seemingly carefree, but I feel like there is another me under my own skin that no one else knows exists. That other me is clawing me up inside, making everything raw and bloody. There are demons that only I know. There are is struggle that I never show. And it gets tiring. Sometimes I can't fight it and then sometimes its like an addiction and I give in to it because its a strangely comfortable place I've known all my life. I try to explain my depression like drowning. I'm under the surface looking up. I can see things but everything is distorted and out of reach, the weight of the water is crushing yet I am calmed by the surreal silence and muted noises and the feeling of being disconnected. And I'm not afraid because somewhere in my head I know I'm not going to die under the water. The problem is that when under this water the bad feelings I have about myself are magnified and again there is distortion and everything is grotesquely out of proportion. The good things seem so small, and the bad things are implausibly huge. It is a mental illness and sometimes I get very sick with it. Sometimes I want to cut it out of me, in some way exorcise it. Maybe that is why I feel the need to hurt myself? I don't totally understand it myself but I wish the people around me, those who claim to be friends, would at least give me a bit of compassion and not exacerbate the situation.
This weekend had good points and bad points. Roberto was being intolerable on Saturday and finally I had to tell him to stop being a dick. Every time I think we are getting back to a good place in our friendship he starts with the bullshit and I just can't take it. Yes, I am sensitive but I do so much for him that I think the least he could do is not purposely push my buttons. Don't say "You and I have to have a talk. Serious talk." in an ominous way and then not talk to me about whatever the issue is for three (and still waiting) days. And then he was treating me so poorly in front of his brothers that again I had to tell him to stop. Later he explained that he wasn't feeling good, and if I had known that in the beginning I would have been more understanding, but all he can say to me when I get upset about things is to stop being so dramatic. A woman that used to help the group doing the same kind of work that I'm doing now was there this weekend and she is very nice, but she started getting real weird on the last day. She was super possessive of the guys, especially Roberto, and trying to act like she knew so much more about them than I did and yadda, yadda, yadda. I don't care. Really. All the "secrets" she was telling me weren't secrets and I would think if she thought they really were then she wouldn't be telling me. She kept telling me not to say anything to the guys because it was "girl talk" between us, but it was really nothing that important. Now, the thing with this woman is, she's in her mid to late fifties, so I was surprised by why was she acting like a teenage girl with her catty gossipy-ness. I don't know, but her possessive jealousy was very irritating. And then as I was trying to work the woman kept getting in my way, sometimes she was helpful and I did pick up a few tactics that I might try, but finally I asked her to watch the stuff and I took off for a break. I needed to get away from her and have a beer! If she wants to work with them, be my guest, I even told Roberto that next year he needs to let her at least work that event because she really wants to, but he said no because in the middle of the day when things are busy she just up and goes home leaving them without help and killing their sales. The only thing that was good about talking with this woman is that I know I'm not the only one who feels like this when it comes to Roberto. Like me, she loves and adores him, but he can be so infuriating that you want to throttle him. And, also like me, she adores the family which is part of the reason that we put up with his crap because we still want to help them. Talking with her in some ways was very enlightening. So yes, he and I need to have whatever his serious talk is. And after he tells me whatever it is that I'm doing wrong I need to let him know that I am ready to walk away because I can't stand the head games. I have never had a man who was not my boyfriend make me cry like he does. Again, this is something this other woman said happened to her too! He is truly that frustrating! And if he keeps pushing me I will end up hurting him and I don't want to do that. I don't want to abandon his family in the business arena either but I think our friendships would remain intact.
We got off to a slow start Friday. The guys stayed over Thursday night and left around 4am to do a show in NYC. I headed down to the festival around 2pm and first went to set up my tent at the campground nearby. That was fun! (NOT) It was just me setting up a 8-man tent. The tent poles looked like big spider legs as they repeatedly came loose from their little hook things and were waving in the air. I felt like I was wrestling with a giant daddy long legs! You really need two people to set this thing up but I finally managed it by myself and it only took about 45 minutes (with all the staking, tying down, etc.). I'm proud that I can do this stuff by myself. Granted, I can't be trusted to find my way to the tent as Ana and I got lost coming back from the bathrooms later that night and wandered aimlessly in the pitch black for about 30 minutes! After their show in NYC the guys headed to the festival and finally around 6pm they started to play. The night was okay, they didn't have many sales, but as I told them, it was better than nothing. Saturday started decently but then around 2pm we got word that severe thunderstorms were coming. The first wave was lots of rain and everything was getting moderately wet. Then rain stopped but our booth was now a lake. !nt! kept pointing at the lake and saying No Diving. Hehehehe. !nt! and I managed to get most of the water out and we were just starting to breathe a sigh of relief when the event personnel said there was more storms coming and the next ones were bringing lightning and strong winds. They weren't lying. About 15 minutes later there were rumbles of thunder and then all hell broke loose. It lasted for about 40 minutes during which time the lake returned, more ocean-like though, and anything that wasn't wet was soon to be soaked. The instruments, the crafts, the garments, the people... everything. I was not having fun. This was also the point when Toe started being a total dick so I was really not having a good time of it. I did go out and buy the guys a couple strawberry shortcakes to eat... they loved them! @t! did not like the crawfish I later shared with him, neither did Tup@c.
After things were as secured as possible I went to my car and changed out of the wet clothes. I just happened to have a dry shirt and pair of jeans in the car, but no undies. The undies were in my suitcase in the trunk and I'd have to further get wet to reach them so I decided they weren't that important. It would have been amusing if someone came by my car because at one point I was trying to wriggle my naked wet body into my jeans in the backseat! Oh, such is the way of my bizarro life!! The evening was a little better as around 6pm things dried out some and the public returned. The instruments were still a little soggy, but the guys still played for a couple hours. Sunday was the best day. The sun was out and it wasn't too hot. There was even a nice breeze. Sales were pretty good and the public was pretty drunk. I love watching the drunk people dance to the music! Its almost as fun as watching the cute little kids dance. One autistic boy was dancing and having a great time while they were playing. Dancing kids always makes me smile.
The new thing the guys all do is give me the "pinky". Toe started this a year or two ago, but this weekend all the guys started doing it. It has to do with this guy I was dating when I first me Toe. The guy was very macho and was always womanizing - so I explained to Toe it was all a front trying to prove he was a big man because in reality... he is a very small man. Yes, the guy has a very small penis. Very. So, Toe now teases me saying "You miss his big pinky!" while waving his hand in the air 'pinky up'. One of the songs the guys perform is a song that that guy used to sing as well, so now when they are getting ready to play it they all look at me and give me the pinky! I hope they don't know the meaning of it!
Mostly though, there was nothing that exciting that happened over the weekend. Oh wait!!!! On Sunday, Alex showed up! Yes, butt diving Alex from a few weeks ago. LOL! I was working and suddenly there was someone standing next to me and it was him. I was quite caught off guard. I chatted with him for a little while. Of course, he asks, was the sex not good? Is that why you didn't answer my calls?? I didn't know how to respond so I told him that he was just too persistent. I told him I'm not looking for a boyfriend and that things need to be more casual. He wanted to go out together that night but I said no. We have made plans for Friday. The Martini bar again. I don't know if I'll actually go, but maybe. I mean, the guy did drive to another state to see me when I didn't return his phone calls. I'm not sure if I should be flattered or getting a restraining order. As I was talking with Alex I looked over at Toe and !nti! and they were both giving me the "who's that??" look. !nt! later tells me the guy was ugly and I shouldn't date him. Hahahahaha. Toe says that because the guy is from Peru I shouldn't get involved because (para-phrasing) Peruvian men are no good. Just like brothers to give such advice!
I wrote the second half of this entry after I had gone out walking at lunch time. It helped alot to easy my miserable demeanor. I still feel like I've been blenderized, but at least now I can look back on the weekend and smile about some things.
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