This past week has basically sucked balls. I have been depressed and trying to keep it all together, trying to keep from going under, and yet so much has been pulling at me.

Last weekend a friend of the family died. He was 92 years old and hadn't been in the best of health so his passing was not a surprise. What really saddened me was that at his funeral so little of the Native community showed up. He had done so much for the Native people and is known world wide. Three news crews and some newspaper reporters showed up. A friend from Denmark who had just been visiting and returned home got right back on a plane and came back for the funeral. Even Leonard Peltier who is incarcerated wrote a letter to the family. But where was the community who was supposedly so close? Four of the five tribes in the state sent representatives (the fifth tribe just thinks they are too damn good to be bothered) and the state respresentative for American Indian Affairs was there. But the community? There were so very few of us. That is what made me the most sad. A great man passed and so few were there to pay their respects. I am so disappoionted.

The other thing that depressed me a bit about the services is that there was no wake, just the funeral. Maybe its a bit morbid of me, but I would have liked to have seen him one last time.

One high point was when I was leaving I stopped to say goodbye to his daughter who had been busy rushing here and there all day, and when I hugged her and said "You probably don't even remember me." - she said, "I remember you. Plus my dad has a picture of you hanging on the wall." Knowing that my picture was up on his wall with all the pictures of people who had touched his life, really touched my heart. It was also nice that his daughter remembered me. I told her I'd love to see her in the community more... she just smiled. Yeah, I probably won't see her, but I can hope.

(Please feel free to read between the lines.)

And the other thing that has really thrown me is Roberto. Big surprise huh? The other day he asked me to work today (Sunday) and I said I really *REALLY* did not want to. The group was performing at a big show right in my state, which would have been cool to see, but he instead wanted me to drive three hours to their store in another state. Knowing they had no one else, I reluctantly agreed.

I headed up Saturday night to stay at his brothers'/sisters' house and found out from N@zim that Roberto's wife was going to be working with me. What? Why didn't Roberto give me the heads up?? This news hit me like a ton of bullshit smeared bricks. I have to work with this woman for whom I feel such disdain? A woman who, after Roberto had borrowed money from me, took a vacation to California instead of helping to pay her own household bills? I played the news off well in front of the family, but I was so furious with him! How could he put me in this position?!? As soon as everyone headed to bed I wrote Roberto an email telling him to let me know how much money he figured he owed me and that if I agreed with that amount we needed to figure out some payment arrangements. The email was short and to the point and let him know the sooner we settled things, the better.

This morning as I was driving to the store he called to let me know the news saying he didn't have the opportunity to let me know last night. I let him know I was none too pleased with this situation he put me in but mostly what bothered me was that HE was not the one to break the news to me. The fact that he couldn't show me the courtesy of letting me know I'd have to be with his wife all day really showed me he doesn't think at all about my feelings. "This is NOT a good situation" I told him. He tried to explain how it came to be, but I said that even though it was not going to be easy it was the fact that he didn't let me know and I had to be broadsided by the news from another person in the family. He apologized but I told him his apologies mean nothing to me because he constantly treats me and my feelings like shit which means he's not really sorry. They are just drips of words falling out of his mouth. A two minute phone call was all I would have needed. I would have been annoyed but in the end I would have laughed it off and pulled up my big girl panties and dealt with it.

At this point in time, we are not friends. A friend would not throw another friend to the wolves. A friend would consider how another friend feels. Yet he treats me so indifferently. INDIFFERENTLY.

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference." ~Elie Wiesel

I had hoped beyond hope that he could be a better person, but I guess I was wrong. I told him he is so incredibly selfish and he told me that everyone, even his wife, tells him the same thing. Well, I am not everyone else, I do not aspire to be his wife, and I will not be treated in this manner. I am too good for that! I just want to be his friend and be shown the simple respect friends give eachother. This is not high school where you stupidly treat your friends carelessly. He says that what ever happens he wants to end things on a positive note. Whatever. I have nothing to lose in the dissolution of this relationship. The friendship of his brothers and sisters will always be there, and they are the only reason I would consider putting up with his shit, but I don't have to do that. They appreciate the things I do for them. Even N@zim called this afternoon after I closed the store and told me repeatedly how much he appreciated my help today. His words are sincere.

Roberto is going to let me know how much he thinks he owes me, it is almost $3,000, and we'll figure out payments. I also told him that I will help him with the other shows I already agreed to, but then after that I am done.

Right now I am so angry at Roberto that when we work together this coming weekend if he says or does anything out of line I am likely to physically go after him. (The saying in my family is that I appear to be the sanest one of the bunch but I am the one you don't want to piss off.) Granted, that is five days away and my anger may ebb, but I think this has been building too long. My feelings are too raw, too bruised, too trampled upon.

Honestly, I will miss him. But it will be the person I knew when he was 17. It will be the person I started to really know this time last year. It will not be this inconsiderate fuckhead I have been dealing with lately.

Needless to say, my mental condition has not improved.

�

�

�

�