I just spoke with the sergeant from where Martin was originally arrested. I wanted to know the details of his arrest and get whatever information I was not able to access myself. It destroys me to say, it isn't good. Obviously when someone goes to jail it isn't good, but my heart sunk when I got the details. Now, the test will be to see if he tells me the truth about the details himself. Being the type of person I am, I can't cut him out of my life because I've made promises and I don't break promises, besides, maybe I can help steer him in a healthier direction. No, I'm not a bleeding heart... I'm a fucking hemorrhaging heart! Still, I know I don't have to do anything. I can choose to just be a distant friend, or I can be a confidant. But I will always be there for him in some respect.

There are things that mark you for life. That is why I searched for Martin for 20 years and why I cannot abandon him now.

Christopher as well had made a drastic impact on my life and on the person I have grown into. Friday night I dreamt that Martin brought Chris to me and that when we saw each other (Chris and I) we fell into each others arms and held one another like our lives depended on it. We were both crying and voicing how much we missed each other. I woke up distressed but strangely happy to have dreamt about him. The relationship between Chris and I deteriorated after some years because he felt I had betrayed him, and maybe I did but it was for a very good reason and not done out of spite. I didn't do it to hurt him, but to protect someone else. I think he may have died with resentful feelings in his heart for me and that tears me up inside. Though I had betrayed him, I still continued to have great love, and great respect, for him.

As I was working this weekend I remembered a couple things. One is that I have a cassette tape that Christopher sent to me where he spoke instead of writing a letter. On the tape he sang a song he had written. To this day I remember all the words and even sing it sometimes when I'm belting out tunes alone at home. Actually, I don't know if I still have the tape considering he said some things on it that I never wanted anyone else to hear and I may have destroyed it. I hope I still have it. I would love to hear his voice again, I would love to hear his singing. I also remembered that I have a box of letters he'd written to me stashed away. I want to go get them out of storage and read them again.

Oh god, the more I read the definition of Martin's crime the more heartbroken I am. I can't believe he's *that* person. Even if he doesn't fit the explanation to a "T" he has still done some bad things. How does this happen???

This is killing me.

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