This weekend was fun, profitable and totally exhausting. I worked with my friends Halloween night in Salem, MA. Can I just say that by 9pm things were getting so out of hand, so amazingly freaky and crazy, that I was even surprised. For the most part people were totally cool but it was evident that the alcohol was starting to kick in and the "freak" energy level was rising by the second. If I wasn't working and trying to keep track of merchandise it probably wouldn't have bothered me, but unfortunately I was working and I was responsible for lots of stuff. Still, the costumes were unbelievable and I'll post some pics tomorrow. The amount of people there was beyond what I thought possible and as we were leaving at around 9:30pm there were still more people filing in.

CRAZY!!!!

But, I definitely recommend it!!!! If you're an adult and you like things a bit edgy... it is THE place to be on Halloween night. (If you have little ones - I'd suggest getting them out of there around 7-ish).

Saturday was cool too but not nearly as many people - they were probably all nursing their hang-overs. Many folks still showed up in costumes and lots of the attractions were still open. I got pissed because one guy ripped off a very expensive Ed Hardy hoddie from me and they cops couldn't catch him. He ran right throught the cops (6 or 7 if them) too!!

I had to take my car for an inspection check and was a bit late getting started at work (and the car didn't even pass!!), anyway, when I got there I went outside and there was some CUTE guy playing music nearby. Oh-la-la!!! N@zim informed me he was the flamenco guitarist he told me about the night before. Mmmmm... yummy! Of course, the dude is Peruvian. Ugh. Why must all the guys I am attracted to be from Peru??? So, I noticed the other guy playing guitar with him was a guy that plays with my ex-boyfriend Johnny so I quick think of an excuse to get closer to Flamenco dude. I got two nice hot teas ('cuz it's very chilly in Salem) and brought them over to Luis and Flamenco Dude as a gesture of kindness. FYI: Flamenco Dude is not as cute up close and personal. I talked to Luis for a quick moment and then got back to work.

Sunday comes and I tell N@zim that I it would be cool if those guys came back again and he informs me the will definitely be there. Wooot!!!

(Let me interject here for a brief explanation. With the way my mind has been so pre-occupied with Martin I am looking for a diversion. Even if said diversion is a not-as-cute-as-first-thought Peruvian I need something to distract me because my senses are too fragile when it comes to Martin and I am having difficulty making smart decisions although I'm trying very hard. This 'diversion logic' isn't the best logic, but it is the only thing that might work right now.)

Yes, Flamenco Dude is there with Luis and as they are setting up their equipment I go over very neighborly-like and say that today I need them to turn up their amps because I couldn't hear them very well the day before and I need to hear the music! Ah... this starts conversation... Luis introduces me to Flamenco Dude (whom sadly I cannot remember his real name - it is something like Ferdinando or some such F name) and we all chat for a few minutes. Later in the day Flamenco Dude (FD), who really does play very nicely, delivers a hot tea to me to show his appreciation for my tea buying the day before. Sweet!!! During the day N@zim watched my area while I ran to get us food and he said that FD kept looking over trying to see where I went. LOL!! He also joked that FD probably kissed the cover of the tea so when I went to drink it my lips would be touching where his lips had touched!! HAHAHA! Where does N@zim think up these things?!? N@zim thinks the guy is into me. That would be okay... if I knew his name I'd look to see where else he was playing and go check him out again.

At the end of today I saw the guys packing up their instruments and was bummed the music was finished. I thought the two of them had left when I turned around and FD was standing there. He came to say good bye! We talked for a while and when he found out I was not from the area he seemed bummed out. As he left he said he hoped to see me again soon and that he was very pleased to have met me. Woot again! But we didn't exchange any information so I guess it will only be fate if I see him again. A few minutes after he left Luis came by and we were talking and he was being really sweet. I gave him my number so he can let me know when he and Johnny (I'm the only one that actually calls him Johnny and I kept having to correct myself and say 'Alfredo' because Luis only knows him by that name) are performing near me. They are supposed to be doing a show here in two months and he said he'll let me know ASAP so I can start planning the party now. Hahahaha! Yeah... like Gina wouldn't freak out if I brought a bunch of South American musicians home and gave them alcohol. HA!! I should, maybe it would break her out of her uber-white world!!

Luckily, N@zim was missing Ana and he couldn't wait to close the store and get home and that meant I would get home early too. Usually when I work up there I don't get home until 11pm or later, so when I pulled into my driveway at 7:30 I let out a whoop of happiness.

On Wednesday Roberto and the group will be doing a concert in the city in Florida where my mom lives. If I had any more vacation/personal days to use I would have booked a flight and gone down with them and then stayed a few more days to chill with my mom. But no such luck. Right now the guys are in Orlando, but not hanging out with Mickey because Mickey's world is too damn expensive.

The other night when I met Roberto over at the sushi place we had a really deep conversation. Most of it had to do with me and my issues of low self esteem and depression and my habit of retreating into my "box" of solitude. He made me cry but it wasn't really in a bad way because he was trying to get me to admit the reason why I am so willing to let Martin (an uneducated, assumed dead-beat dad, convicted sex offender felon who is doing his third stint in prison) back into my life is because I am lonely.

But why choose someone like that when I frequently am approached by educated, financially stable, non-criminals? I told him I'm afraid that these guys are out to use me, or they will see me as an object and not an equal partner, or maybe they are only want a woman to take care of them... and then I realized that all three of these reasons was really the same reason. My son's father hollowed me out so bad, he didn't mean to but he was just so emotionally weak and uncommunicative that it created this huge void in me, that now I'm afraid to try with anyone else. I'm afraid any new man I get involved with will do the same thing so I keep looking to the men I knew before, the men I walked away from for my own selfish reasons, to come back into my life and make me whole.

And here is Martin... willing to give up everything and be at my side. Here is Martin, who never hurt me and always showed his feelings with me, who put me not on a pedestal but put me before things that most guys would have pushed their girls aside for. Here is Martin putting the decision that could change the rest of his life in my hands.

And here is me... finding this wounded bird on the sidewalk. A bird who once sang so sweetly to me and now is in need of nurturing. Here is me with my bleeding heart upon my sleeve, wanting to heal him. Or maybe I'm just wanting to heal myself. Wanting to take all the broken pieces of me and put them in his hands so he can put me back together the way I once was.

I am trying so hard to nurture that bird without becoming the tourniquet that solely keeps it alive, but it is my nature to help when I have the ability to do so.

And I am trying hard to realize that if I give him the pieces of me and he carelessly throws them to the air it will be the most disasterous of endings.

This is why I need a distraction. I can't walk away from the bird on the sidewalk but I still need to watch out for myself too and that's so difficult for me to do when I'm so terribly lonely.

I didn't tell Roberto all the deep-deep details but we did talk very seriously. Sometimes I still question his compassion, but this night he was very sincere. Sure he greeted me with a hip-check and his usual "What up bitch?" (which I love because it makes me laugh) but when we parted he was giving me a strong hug, rubbing my back and shoulders while he imparted words of encouragement.

The only thing I didn't like about our conversation was when he said if I decided to be with Martin then he couldn't be my friend anymore. If that is the case then he isn't really my friend now, right? I could see him being disappointed in me or choosing not to be around Martin, but to cast me aside or stop loving me? When I questioned him on this he just kept saying I needed to make safe choices. I understand that, but I need his support and I need to know he will be there if I need him later... I don't like all the things he does but I am always here for him, and unless he does something to hurt me, I will always be here for him. We will need to talk more about this another day.

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